Food

Let me say straight off here: I do not absolutely abhor all British food to the bottom of my soul and with every fiber of my being. In fact, I have had some quite lovely meals in Merrie ole' England (evidence of which will actually be spread about in the entries below). I have, however, had some not-so-lovely encounters with pub grub, fish 'n' chips, and other uniquely British "contributions" to world cuisine. That considered, I may sound a bit overzealously hard on the food in my descriptions here. But you know, you just gotta be a bit wary of a people who will eat tiny salt-pickled fish for breakfast.

So if, despite centuries of dire warnings from the cooks of lands commonly known to posses culinary abilities far above those of the English--such as France, Italy, and the school cafeteria — you decide to partake of the local cuisine during your stay, some of the below might help you navigate the scary, dangerous waters of what the British like to pretend is "food."

By the way, the direct phone line for the stomach pump unit of the Royal Free Hospital in London is 020/7794-0500 x374.

Aubergines - Eggplants. The English borrowed this term from the French. Unfortunately, they did not borrow French cuisine as well.

Bill - The check at a restaurant. This is assuming you want to pay for what they served you, and that you aren't already being whisked off to the hospital for a stomach pump, in which case the gratuity is waived.

Biscuit - A catchall phrase meaning both cookies ("sweet biscuits") and crackers ("dry biscuits"). Sometimes they'll call one of those slightly sweet cookies (like graham crackers) a "digestive biscuit," or merely a "digestive." This to me, whether they actually help you digest your meal or not, is not the sort of thing you want to call a dessert item. A laxative, maybe; cookies, no.

Boiled Sweets - OK, I'm sure the Brits are so used to calling hard candies by this phrase that they don't even notice it sounds like some sort of awful culinary experiment gone aawry and invovling figs, a crock pot, multicolored jimmies, and some long-lost recipe written by a slightly deranged cousin of Martha Stewart.

Caff - A cheap eatery (akin to a diner) where you might have an encounter with British food. There is really no way to prepare against this save by fasting, so just try to take it in stride, and avoid "Casey Jones' Burgers" at all costs.

Candy Floss - A dentist's worst nightmare. In an age of bubble gum-flavored toothpaste, is this any surprise? No, actually, it's Britspeak for "cotton candy," which is also a fairly decent metaphor for that pink spun-sugar carnival snack. In fact, I think we have a tie here, which begs the question, which is better: the term in real English, or the term in British English? Actually, if you're looking for the most accurate metaphor, might I humbly suggest a new, Reid English alternative: sugar steel wool. Cause when it comes right down to it, the sticky stuff on the stick (or the downmarket version in plastic bags) is most similar to a Brillo pad, minus the soap. [Note to kids: do not eat actual steel wool; especially the soapy kind, which tastes bad.]

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